Tuesday, February 07, 2006
All the Best People Shave Twice a Day
I just watched a really fantastic trailer tonight, and it just made me want to post it and share it with everyone. Then I got to thinking, why not just start a draft and work on this for a few days and just get a crap load of future movie news out of the way? So that's what I'm doing here. These movies are all ones that you should be keeping an eye on. I include trailers where possible, just click on the movie title for a link to the trailer or whatever I was able to dig up through my extensive research. Get ready.... go!
Marie Antoinette: Now, let's start off with the warning on this one. It stars Kirsten Dunst. She's just meh in my book. She was all right in Eternal Sunshine, The Virgin Suicides, and Small Soldiers, but she wasn't particularly the best part of any of them or any others that I've ever seen her in. And, obviously, the best part in Virgin Suicides was James Woods. The next warning is that it's written and directed by Sofia Coppola. I like her. I loved Lost in Translation and The Virgin Suicides. But I know there are some of you who hated those movies, but I don't really care. This one looks like a winner, and I'm excited. Also, it has Jason Schwartzman, who, besides sharing a name with myself, shaves twice a day. In the film, he plays Louis XVI and I recently saw him in an episode of Freaks and Geeks, and that really made my day. Seriously. Release date: Fall 2006
Silent Hill: Okay, so it's a video game adaptation, which means it's gonna suck, right? No! You are so wrong! First off, not all video game adaptations suck. Need I mention the sleeper hit of 1993, Super Mario Bros.? What a hell of a cast. Bob Hoskins, who I recently saw in Unleashed with Jet Li and really enjoyed, if not only for the bald Russian guy factor; John Leguizamo, another meh in my book, however, he was in Land of the Dead, so I suppose that gets him a bit of street cred; Dennis "frigg'n" Hopper, who was also in Land of the Dead, and, I mean, he's just frigg'n cool; and of course Samantha Mathis in her breakout role as Princess Toadstool, or Daisy, who was in a totally cool deleted scene with Christian Bale in the American Psycho Collector's Edition DVD. Also, there's Resident Evil: Apocalypse, which kicks so much ass on so many levels. But, really, all you need is one word to describe it's "rock your face off" value: Nemesis. Bam! That's all you need. If you don't get it, see the movie, from the time it starts till the time it ends, your face is completely rocked off. Really, the only video game adaptations you should avoid are those directed by Dr. Uwe Boll. Luckily, all the video game properties he's eating up aren't very good anyway. I think that Silent Hill will be one of those adaptations in the non-suck arena of video game movies. It stars that chick from Pitch Black and Man on Fire. But she's not why you should go see it. It's got Sean Bean as some guy who does not have a British accent and it looks like a pretty sweet horror movie. But that's not why you should see the movie. The reason you should see it is because - get ready for it - it's directed by Christophe "Brotherhood of the Wolf" Gans. That's right, the awesome director who brought Mani to life now brings us a horror movie based on a video game. Now, the movie's not rated yet, but I think we can expect an R. Here's to hoping. Release date: April 21, 2006
Night Watch: This one's actually coming up quick. It's said to be "The first chapter in an epic fantasy trilogy." It's set in present-day Moscow where the forces of day and night do battle or something. It's also Russian. Now, I'm really hoping this thing turns out. I'm not sure how big a release it's gonna get, since it's a foreign flick and all, but since it has a vampire (possibly multiple), a sorceress, and a mage-transformer (I'm going off of the main cast list from imdb), this thing can't not be completely sweet. Also, if you watch the trailer, there's this chick that morphs into a tiger and totally messes up this guy's bedroom. Release date: February 17, 2006
Brick: This movie looks really great. I mean, I hadn't really heard anything about it before I saw the trailer, but it looks like it could be a really good mystery flick that isn't overblown and unrealistic. It stars that guy from 3rd Rock from the Sun who's been in a few indie films since the show was cancelled and all. I don't know, I don't really follow his career. An interesting note, for me at least, is that the movie is written and directed by the guy who did May, a truly twisted movie about this girl who tricks all these blind kids into finding something on a floor that's actually covered in shards of glass. Genius, really. Release date: March 24, 2006
Ultraviolet: Here's the one that I'm really frigg'n excited for. I don't give a damn about a single one of all the other movies compared to this one. Written and directed by Kurt Wimmer, the guy who did Equilibrium, starring Milla Jovovich as some sort of vampire-like entity, or something, I'm not totally sure what's goin on and I sorta want to wait for the movie. I know it takes place in a future society, that much is obvious. In this future society, there are these super soldier guys made of glass that attack these vampire people and blow into rooms, totally wrecking walls, by rolling up into a little ball, very much like Metroid. The coolest thing about this movie is that there are people made of glass. As glass people, it's hard for them to mate, so they mostly just hunt vampire-like beings with guns and stuff. They also ride motorcycles and roll up into balls, totally wrecking numerous houses and buildings. Now, as a glass person, the worst thing that could possibly happen to you is that you could break, so they spend all their time making sure they don't break. The cool thing about this movie is how Milla Jovovich goes around breaking as many glass people as she possibly can. She uses swords, batons, guns, cars, other glass people's bodies, and so on. Now, some might see this as a sad thing, but you have to remember, these glass people live their life in fear of ever breaking, Milla is just trying to help them get over their fear. By breaking them. Rated PG-13 for sequences of violent action throughout, partial nudity and language. Release date: Coming Soon (or TBA, if you prefer)
The Hills Have Eyes: A broken family reliant on cell phones, PDAs, and Podcasts, reunite for a summer vacation that will bring them back together. However, they are foiled by a group of mutants living in tunnels who waylay the technology-dependent family and teach them something about love through the only method they, being mutants, could ever know. The method of... PAIN! I'm very much hoping that there're more severed limbs in this movie than there were in Saw, which had absolutely none, despite the Saw movie posters with severed limbs all over them. What makes me excited about The Hills Have Eyes, is the fact that it's being directed by the guy who did High Tension, a wonderful little slasher flick where some random guy gets a buzzsaw to the chest through his windshield. HOLY CRAP! Release date: March 2006
V for Vendetta: The trailer starts off with Natalie Portman, sporting a very charming British accent. Then our ears are brought to the melodic voice of Hugo Weaving, who plays V. You of course know Hugo from his roles in Lord of the Rings and The Matrix as Elrond and Agent Smith, respectively. Finally, we get to the harsh, glorious voice of John Hurt (who reads a pleasant story about slavery on The Skeleton Key special features), and finally, the sound of some dude's hand busting against V's mask. The movie's adapted from some comic I've never read, but, according to some random guy in one of my classes (he wasn't actually enrolled in the class), the writer of the comic was very displeased with how the Wachowski brothers handled the material, calling them imbeciles. I then discovered that the random guy's favorite commercial from the Superbowl was the one where the shaved sheep goes "streaking" through the farm animals' game of football, or whatever the hell they were lining up for. I hated that commercial so much, but apparently it was the number one commercial according to some website and the stupid people who voted for it. Girls, probably. If there's an animal or a baby, or a shaved animal or baby clothes or hats on dogs, girls really like it and can't stop laughing or talking about it. People made of glass share this same sort of humor. In Ultraviolet, Milla Jovovich shatters their dreams and their laughter and their glass chests with her healed boots of good taste. Anyway, V for Vendetta should have some action too, or at least knives with glowy trails on them, and also some guy shatters his hand on V's mask. Remember, remember the 5th of November. Release date: March 17, 2006
The Fountain: The interesting thing about this movie is that it takes place in the past, future, AND present. I don't really know what it's about, but it looks sweet since it involves this guy questing, presumably for the titular fountain. The movie stars Hugh Jackman (aka Wolverine and "main rope swinger" from Van Helsing), Rachel Weisz (who totally fucks up and forgets the protective ankh that Keanu Reeves gives to her before they're about to fight multiple demons plus Satan in Constantine), and Ethan Suplee, who will once again be reviving his role as the retarded gorilla of Cold Mountain fame. The movie's being written and directed by Darren Aronofsky, the guy who did Requiem for a Dream and Pi. Apparently, he also directed an episode of "Lost" which has the chick who plays the daughter in the above mentioned movie The Hills Have Eyes which also stars Ted Levine who played General 'Bloodbath' McGrath in the movie Wild Wild West, starring the very versatile Will Smith, lead actor of Tony Scott's crackerjack thriller Enemy of the State, which also starred none other than thespian juggernaut Jake Busey! Release date: 2006 (probably the summer)
There're some others that look interesting, somewhat appealing, but I'll leave those for the theoretical "other post". The party's in the backyard, go ahead and sign the guest list, and please help yourself to some COMMENTS. You bastards.
I just watched a really fantastic trailer tonight, and it just made me want to post it and share it with everyone. Then I got to thinking, why not just start a draft and work on this for a few days and just get a crap load of future movie news out of the way? So that's what I'm doing here. These movies are all ones that you should be keeping an eye on. I include trailers where possible, just click on the movie title for a link to the trailer or whatever I was able to dig up through my extensive research. Get ready.... go!
Marie Antoinette: Now, let's start off with the warning on this one. It stars Kirsten Dunst. She's just meh in my book. She was all right in Eternal Sunshine, The Virgin Suicides, and Small Soldiers, but she wasn't particularly the best part of any of them or any others that I've ever seen her in. And, obviously, the best part in Virgin Suicides was James Woods. The next warning is that it's written and directed by Sofia Coppola. I like her. I loved Lost in Translation and The Virgin Suicides. But I know there are some of you who hated those movies, but I don't really care. This one looks like a winner, and I'm excited. Also, it has Jason Schwartzman, who, besides sharing a name with myself, shaves twice a day. In the film, he plays Louis XVI and I recently saw him in an episode of Freaks and Geeks, and that really made my day. Seriously. Release date: Fall 2006
Silent Hill: Okay, so it's a video game adaptation, which means it's gonna suck, right? No! You are so wrong! First off, not all video game adaptations suck. Need I mention the sleeper hit of 1993, Super Mario Bros.? What a hell of a cast. Bob Hoskins, who I recently saw in Unleashed with Jet Li and really enjoyed, if not only for the bald Russian guy factor; John Leguizamo, another meh in my book, however, he was in Land of the Dead, so I suppose that gets him a bit of street cred; Dennis "frigg'n" Hopper, who was also in Land of the Dead, and, I mean, he's just frigg'n cool; and of course Samantha Mathis in her breakout role as Princess Toadstool, or Daisy, who was in a totally cool deleted scene with Christian Bale in the American Psycho Collector's Edition DVD. Also, there's Resident Evil: Apocalypse, which kicks so much ass on so many levels. But, really, all you need is one word to describe it's "rock your face off" value: Nemesis. Bam! That's all you need. If you don't get it, see the movie, from the time it starts till the time it ends, your face is completely rocked off. Really, the only video game adaptations you should avoid are those directed by Dr. Uwe Boll. Luckily, all the video game properties he's eating up aren't very good anyway. I think that Silent Hill will be one of those adaptations in the non-suck arena of video game movies. It stars that chick from Pitch Black and Man on Fire. But she's not why you should go see it. It's got Sean Bean as some guy who does not have a British accent and it looks like a pretty sweet horror movie. But that's not why you should see the movie. The reason you should see it is because - get ready for it - it's directed by Christophe "Brotherhood of the Wolf" Gans. That's right, the awesome director who brought Mani to life now brings us a horror movie based on a video game. Now, the movie's not rated yet, but I think we can expect an R. Here's to hoping. Release date: April 21, 2006
Night Watch: This one's actually coming up quick. It's said to be "The first chapter in an epic fantasy trilogy." It's set in present-day Moscow where the forces of day and night do battle or something. It's also Russian. Now, I'm really hoping this thing turns out. I'm not sure how big a release it's gonna get, since it's a foreign flick and all, but since it has a vampire (possibly multiple), a sorceress, and a mage-transformer (I'm going off of the main cast list from imdb), this thing can't not be completely sweet. Also, if you watch the trailer, there's this chick that morphs into a tiger and totally messes up this guy's bedroom. Release date: February 17, 2006
Brick: This movie looks really great. I mean, I hadn't really heard anything about it before I saw the trailer, but it looks like it could be a really good mystery flick that isn't overblown and unrealistic. It stars that guy from 3rd Rock from the Sun who's been in a few indie films since the show was cancelled and all. I don't know, I don't really follow his career. An interesting note, for me at least, is that the movie is written and directed by the guy who did May, a truly twisted movie about this girl who tricks all these blind kids into finding something on a floor that's actually covered in shards of glass. Genius, really. Release date: March 24, 2006
Ultraviolet: Here's the one that I'm really frigg'n excited for. I don't give a damn about a single one of all the other movies compared to this one. Written and directed by Kurt Wimmer, the guy who did Equilibrium, starring Milla Jovovich as some sort of vampire-like entity, or something, I'm not totally sure what's goin on and I sorta want to wait for the movie. I know it takes place in a future society, that much is obvious. In this future society, there are these super soldier guys made of glass that attack these vampire people and blow into rooms, totally wrecking walls, by rolling up into a little ball, very much like Metroid. The coolest thing about this movie is that there are people made of glass. As glass people, it's hard for them to mate, so they mostly just hunt vampire-like beings with guns and stuff. They also ride motorcycles and roll up into balls, totally wrecking numerous houses and buildings. Now, as a glass person, the worst thing that could possibly happen to you is that you could break, so they spend all their time making sure they don't break. The cool thing about this movie is how Milla Jovovich goes around breaking as many glass people as she possibly can. She uses swords, batons, guns, cars, other glass people's bodies, and so on. Now, some might see this as a sad thing, but you have to remember, these glass people live their life in fear of ever breaking, Milla is just trying to help them get over their fear. By breaking them. Rated PG-13 for sequences of violent action throughout, partial nudity and language. Release date: Coming Soon (or TBA, if you prefer)
The Hills Have Eyes: A broken family reliant on cell phones, PDAs, and Podcasts, reunite for a summer vacation that will bring them back together. However, they are foiled by a group of mutants living in tunnels who waylay the technology-dependent family and teach them something about love through the only method they, being mutants, could ever know. The method of... PAIN! I'm very much hoping that there're more severed limbs in this movie than there were in Saw, which had absolutely none, despite the Saw movie posters with severed limbs all over them. What makes me excited about The Hills Have Eyes, is the fact that it's being directed by the guy who did High Tension, a wonderful little slasher flick where some random guy gets a buzzsaw to the chest through his windshield. HOLY CRAP! Release date: March 2006
V for Vendetta: The trailer starts off with Natalie Portman, sporting a very charming British accent. Then our ears are brought to the melodic voice of Hugo Weaving, who plays V. You of course know Hugo from his roles in Lord of the Rings and The Matrix as Elrond and Agent Smith, respectively. Finally, we get to the harsh, glorious voice of John Hurt (who reads a pleasant story about slavery on The Skeleton Key special features), and finally, the sound of some dude's hand busting against V's mask. The movie's adapted from some comic I've never read, but, according to some random guy in one of my classes (he wasn't actually enrolled in the class), the writer of the comic was very displeased with how the Wachowski brothers handled the material, calling them imbeciles. I then discovered that the random guy's favorite commercial from the Superbowl was the one where the shaved sheep goes "streaking" through the farm animals' game of football, or whatever the hell they were lining up for. I hated that commercial so much, but apparently it was the number one commercial according to some website and the stupid people who voted for it. Girls, probably. If there's an animal or a baby, or a shaved animal or baby clothes or hats on dogs, girls really like it and can't stop laughing or talking about it. People made of glass share this same sort of humor. In Ultraviolet, Milla Jovovich shatters their dreams and their laughter and their glass chests with her healed boots of good taste. Anyway, V for Vendetta should have some action too, or at least knives with glowy trails on them, and also some guy shatters his hand on V's mask. Remember, remember the 5th of November. Release date: March 17, 2006
The Fountain: The interesting thing about this movie is that it takes place in the past, future, AND present. I don't really know what it's about, but it looks sweet since it involves this guy questing, presumably for the titular fountain. The movie stars Hugh Jackman (aka Wolverine and "main rope swinger" from Van Helsing), Rachel Weisz (who totally fucks up and forgets the protective ankh that Keanu Reeves gives to her before they're about to fight multiple demons plus Satan in Constantine), and Ethan Suplee, who will once again be reviving his role as the retarded gorilla of Cold Mountain fame. The movie's being written and directed by Darren Aronofsky, the guy who did Requiem for a Dream and Pi. Apparently, he also directed an episode of "Lost" which has the chick who plays the daughter in the above mentioned movie The Hills Have Eyes which also stars Ted Levine who played General 'Bloodbath' McGrath in the movie Wild Wild West, starring the very versatile Will Smith, lead actor of Tony Scott's crackerjack thriller Enemy of the State, which also starred none other than thespian juggernaut Jake Busey! Release date: 2006 (probably the summer)
There're some others that look interesting, somewhat appealing, but I'll leave those for the theoretical "other post". The party's in the backyard, go ahead and sign the guest list, and please help yourself to some COMMENTS. You bastards.
