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Toxic Waste Creates Hermaphrodite Arctic Polar Bears

It takes some big frigg'n news to get me to update this beast (and an exceptional amount of freetime and boredom), and believe me, I've found the Giant Squid of things to write about - the Michael Jordan of news items, if you will. Entertainment Weekly reported that ex-Darth Vader, current-douche Hayden Christensen is set to play the "Bob Dylan" role in the Edie Sedwick biopic, Factory Girl. Now, the character that Christensen is supposed to be playing is actually named "Danny Quinn," however the character was originally scripted as Bob Dylan and they decided to change it later in order to make it more ambiguous. This is odd since all the other characters in the movie go by their real names, such as Andy Warhol played by Guy "Too Good to Play Daredevil" Pearce and, of course, Edie Sedwick played by Sienna "#48 on Maxim Magazine Hot 100 of 2005 List" Miller. Supposedly, director George "My Name is Ridiculous" Hickenlooper said that rumors of Dylan's affair with Sedwick were too iffy. But Christensen says, "I'm gonna play Bob Dylan," which probably means he'll be swaying a lot and have very few lines beyond "yep" and "nope" and "mhm" a la Masked and Anonymous. The film is being written by screenwriter Captain Mauzner, who, beyond having a really awesome name, scripted Wonderland, which was a totally great biopic about porn legend John Holmes played by master thespian Val Kilmer who almost won the 2003 Oscar for Best Actor for his role as Animal Wrangler in the classic film Masked and Anonymous.

UPDATE!
I've just read that Lou Reed had something to say about this film that just got bought up by the Weinstein Co. He says, "I read that script. It's one of the most disgusting, foul things I've seen - by any illiterate retard - in a long time. There's no limit to how low some people will go to write something to make money.” He sounds a bit surprised, I think. He shouldn't be anyway. Also, I just found out that Jimmy Fallon's gonna be in this movie, most likely looking at the camera and giggling a lot.